Style Revision Exercise: options in modification/intensification

Original Paragraph:

The scenes playing in the waves are a confusing mass of people, particularly when Lucy is caught up in a big protesting crowd being dragged by police. When the wave falls, it’s almost as if it’s drowning the people in the scene.  Lucy is drowning along with everyone else and this is their ultimate demise.  They can’t seem to escape the dangerous waves as they are caught up in a wave of people. After the end of this wave scene, the movie cuts to a sparkly, colorful, and bright set, signifying the beginning of the story and the top of the slide, before the downfall.

Modified:

The scenes playing in the waves are a disarraying mass of people, notably when Lucy is caught up in a colossal revolting crowd being dragged by police.  When the wave falls, it’s almost as if it’s drowning the people in the scene. Lucy is drowning along with everyone else and this is their final demise. They can’t seem to escape the treacherous waves as they are caught up in a wave of people.  After the end of this scene, the movie cuts to a dazzling, vibrant, and radiating set, signifying the beginning of the story and the top of the slide, before the downfall

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